Writing Life Update #1: Getting Back in the Swing of Things

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to talk more about my writing life for the blog. Partly because I had a lot of fun talking about my NaNo experiences back in November, but it also helped keep me accountable with my work. I think I’ve hit a bit of a slump with my reading and my writing, though; I haven’t looked at any of the stuff I wrote back in November and I haven’t started any new rough drafts since then. It’s not that I don’t like what I’ve written, I just haven’t been interested in picking it up again, and I may be having some challenges with my confidence again.

I don’t really have a book-length project in mind at the moment; I’m more concerned with just writing essays. On what? Anything that gets my brain thinking, really. I don’t really have any specific topic I want to talk about, so I’m going by daily observations I make through the shows I watch or the books I read for inspiration. It’s resulted in a lot of ideas to write about, but I’ve been putting them off all month. It could be imposter syndrome kicking in here because I always feel like I’m putting on airs when I write these essays. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m still finding my voice, but my intention has always been to be casual in everything I write, and yet whenever I read what I did manage to publish, it feels like I’m pretending to be something I’m not. I think most of my fear is coming from this, but that’s what revisions are for if I am having troubles in that area.

I printed out a couple of drafts that I wanted to do revisions on, and I can’t remember how many of them I got through. I do remember that I was enjoying the process of revising, since I was feeling pretty good about what the changes I wanted to make and where else to take them. There’s one essay I would like to get back to about me figuring out my bisexuality, but part of me is scared that I’ll screw it up. Out of everything that I worked on, this particular essay has been on my mind for a pretty long while and I take that as a sign that I want to keep working on it.

I do think that part of why I haven’t been working on my drafts is because I was keeping them in a spot other than my desk. My mother must have seen how easily messy and disorganized my workspace can get because she bought a desk shelf for me. It’s an odd shelf; it’s a bit of a freestanding shelf in two parts, which was baffling to understand when I was reading the directions but it makes sense not that it’s all put together. It does make me a little anxious since all it takes is a good jolt to the desk for the whole thing to move, but I’m just gratful for how much more organized my space feels. Hopefully, it will get me out of this stump I’m in and I’ll be more inclined to continue with my revisions.

I got a shelf for my desk this week, and it’s helped a lot with making my workspace organized. Hopefully I can keep it this way to get some writing done.

In the meantime, I’ve been looking for more ways to keep myself occupied. I volunteered to be part of the staff for a small press a few months ago, and that has been going pretty well. Recently, I got additional duties to be a reader for submissions for the next issue. It’s going to take up more time, but I don’t mind. I enjoy working behind the scenes with publications. I’d like to get a job in publishing, the more I think about it. I just don’t really know where to begin with that beside offering to volunteer with small presses. It’s got me thinking about steps to take, though, which is a nice change from stewing in my negative thoughts.

I’m making an effort to attend more virtual events, and it’s been pretty good so far. I’ve been to a reading, attended a few seminars, and returned to my submission group—I don’t have anything to submit at the moment (getting published isn’t really a priority anymore), but it was nice to see some familiar faces again and be with fellow writers. The meetup I was most excited for was a reading and Q & A session with Claudia Rankine. The one thing I’ve come to love a lot about the literary community is getting a chance to meet figures like Rankine, whose work I was introduced to in grad school. Also, I find that I enjoy poetry more when it’s performed live. I don’t know why I haven’t seeked her out after reading Citizen, so this was a good reminder to look her up later.

I also decided to keep a writing tracker chart on Excel because I haven’t been using the notebook I normally reserve for writing in a pretty long time. I only have a few pages left in the notebook, and I can’t say if there’s anything here to convince me to fill out those last pages and get another journal for my writing. Maybe for setting some writing goals or having a dedicated spot to work out and plan my essays? All I know is that I need to rethink how I make that journal effective for me, because this one wasn’t so great. But back to my new writing tracker–who knew how much fun putting together a chart can be? I haven’t been hitting my goal of 1,500 words since the year started, so I thought keeping a chart that I can make real time edits with and visually see my progress would be more engaging. It’s also made me think that being flexible with my word goal. I might do an average of how much I wrote for the month and use that as my baseline for March.

One idea that I would like to get started on is reading Becoming and how my uncle has affected the reading experience. I mentioned in my last post that I got the book as a graduation present from my uncle who recently passed and that our relationship was very strained. This feels like something I can do to help me work out my feelings, because I can’t pick up that book without thinking about him. I won’t call it working through grief—I have no love for that man—but I’ll be working through something, and I think it will help me move on. I also have a pile of articles and writing prompts that I’m excited about, so this creative slump I’m in could just be me not knowing where to start. Good problem to have for something like NaNo, but I need to get cracking on these before I lose interest.

Next update, I’ll try to find the courage to talk a little bit more about the pieces I’m currently working on. Camp NaNo is in two months, I’m considering of doing more things with my writing, and I’m trying to find balance all while doing this. I’ve no idea what I’m going to do between now and the next update, but I’m hoping in between that time, I’ll at least have a new word goal to work towards.